Wednesday, July 07, 2004
Mush Level: High. PROCEED AT OWN RISK.
I always told myself I wouldn't be "that girl."
I don't really know why. I mean, I always adore the gushy movies, I always have crushes on the movie stars, I always read the Letter part of Ella Enchanted over and over when I'm feeling lonely.
I am a hopeless romantic. I daydream more than I actually live. I write poetry. I eat french bread. I listen to Nick Drake and Elton John when it's raining. I love flowers and chocolates and hearts doodled all over notebook paper.
There is absolutely no reason why I thought I could never fall in love. According to my vast imagination, I should have been married to some Prince a very long time ago. It's probably part of that strange neurotic entity that is my self confidence. If you know me, you'll know that I probably think you hate me. It's entirely out of my hands. When someone averts eye contact, I envision the hateful thoughts springing up in their head. Of course, we usually get along fine after awhile and I end up telling them what I imagined. I've grown accustomed to really weird looks. Yes, I know I need therapy. Shut up.
Anyway, it all somehow connects to my feeling I'd never be good enough for anyone. I'd date people, I'd feel something was wrong, it would be over.
Something's different now, though. I'm turning into "that girl": the one who giggles at the mention of his name, the one who stops time when he calls, the one who feels more content as each day goes by. This relationship shows me how wrong I was. (Of course, it all comes at the most inconvenient time. I'm scared. But- I'm happy.)
If I'm not in love now, then when the real time comes I'll explode and my guts will turn into flowers and feathers and other various soft things as they hit the pavement. (Bad metaphor of the day: check).
He just called. Gotta run. You can puke now.
Jaclyn wuz here at 12:22 AM |